Recently I took a metaphorical New Years plunge into icy water. Despite the fear of jumping, it was refreshing and healing. Since starting my blog I haven’t shared it with anyone I know. Well as part of my newly made commitment to be completely honest, I shared my blog with some friends that I felt safe with. I wasn’t really expecting any responses from anyone- well maybe a hey you can always call or something like that. Getting a response was not my goal. I wanted to be honest and in doing so maybe helping someone e else who is struggling. My friends opened up and shared some amazing experiences!! Because they are so amazing I wanted to share them with all of you! Thank you again to everyone who has reached out and opened up.
“I also was suicidal at 10. I stood in front of my mirror with the different pocket knives I had to my neck. Wishing I knew how to end it all. This was ongoing for probably 8 to 10 years. You know when I met you I was new in sobriety. My biggest fear is still suicide. I know drinking doesn’t work and suicide was always my back up plan. I am grateful I haven’t been severely low in a very long time. But I am well aware of where I come from. These different things we go through seem to never be totally cured. The best we can do is just live for today and be the best we can be today. Because life is heavy and beautiful. This is my experience at least.” – Ashton
“One- I had no idea- which tells you how well people can look and act while having these demons inside. And two- so sorry you have to deal with this. I know a lot of family that deal with anxiety and depression and I wish the stigma wasn’t still there, but I totally understand your metaphor of wishing this was black spots you could cure instead of something happening inside the brain. All the love and know I’m here whenever you need someone else to talk to. ”- Emilie
“My sweet friend. I am deeply touched that you have shared this. I read it with tears streaming down my face…relating to so much of it. So much! I knew I always had a bit of the same darkness. But one managed to show it’s full face/form after having my last baby. It amplified everything. It showed itself to my children and husband. I tried everything. Exercise. Cleaner eating. Supplements. More sleep. More meditation. Minimalizing. More spiritual reading. Nothing worked. Only temporarily masked it. You call it darkness. I call it spiraling. Hulking out. An episode. Drowning. But darkness is the closest description. I had a camping trip with very close friends 2 summers ago with our families. And a major episode happened. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I could see myself deteriorating. Being volatile. Harmful. Wanting to stop but could not. Everyone else saw too. As mortifying as it was….it also pushed me to get the help I needed. To admit what I was living with and that it may never go away. One of the grandpas there was visiting in town and happened to be a very respected obgyn in Utah and after spending thr weekend with us, recognized what I was living with. He saw it. He believed me. He understood. He encouraged me to see someone . He educated myself and my husband. I made the decision that next week to get professional help. I also made the decision to start taking lexapro (anti anxiety and antidepressant). It is not for everyone and I fully understand and respect it. It has its pros and cons. I’ve gained 35 lbs . But I myself decided to be chunky and a bit more sane than skinny and crazy. Lol. I’ve been on it for a year and 5 months. It didnt fix everytbing . I still have episodes. But they are fewer between and not near as deep or dark . I am still working tirelessly to mend the relationships with my husband and children. They still expect me to react like I had. Time is truly healing things slowly. It will never go away. I have found that I am not alone. I can talk with my friends and family about it. I can share my story and let others know they are not alone too. They are not a failure. They are seen. They are real. Each story is different. Each remedy to how to live with it is different for each person. What helps me may not help you or the next person. But know you are not alone. I see you. Again, I am so thankful for you sharing and being vulnerable and strong. Xoxoxo” -Andrea
“So thank you for sharing this. See, a lot of the issues that caused my divorce were rooted in mental health challenges. I stopped my ex wife 4 or so times from harming herself, taking the pills out of her mouth and sharp objects out of her hands. I’m so thankful that you were / are getting the help that you need. Unfortunately, in my case, after repeated counsel from our bishop for her to go to an inpatient unit, I continued to feel like I could do it on my own. I didnt involve a lot of people, and it ended up in an extreme situation. I ended up being seen in the ER for suicidal ideation, and the next day, I ended up getting arrested, and spent two days in jail. Fortunately, the misdemeanor charges were eventually dropped, but it was a wake up call to me. The results for getting help (in your case),and not getting help (in my case and my ex wife’s) can be quite stark sometimes. It’s okay to ask for help, and, like I said, I’m really grateful that you’re opening up this part of your life to help erase the stigma of depression / suicidal ideation. I’ve been through a lot the past two years, and one thing I’ve learned in all of the crap of mental health struggles, divorce, and suicidality that I’ve waded through is that there is hope, and that there are people out there that care for you and love you and see you Heavenly Father sees you—His precious child.”